So what happens next?

Monday morning (Marathon Meeting Mondays, remember?) I was sitting in devotion when the reality of my life struck me.

Oh my God. I live in New Orleans. I'm sitting in a group of incredible people I completely love. I live in a church and work at the most fantastically dynamic home I've ever been in. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?

I've gotten a lot of questions about what I want to do after I finish this. I can answer this with total honesty: I don't know.

Life in community is so beautiful, I don't know if I can leave it. There is an undercurrent of "truth" that once you get a little older, it's time to settle down, get an apartment/house, get a real job, and move on.


But that isn't the only way we can live. Sure, it's the dominant narrative in our country right now, but that doesn't make it right. It's not really natural to live so isolated--in an apartment or house with only kids and a partner. There are options.

And you know what? It's not really hard. Some things about it suck (the shower is the first thing that leaps to mind,) but the benefits far outweigh the annoyance. So as far as I can tell right now--I want to live in some sort of true community, if it's possible.

The other parts: where do I want to go, where do I want to live? Well...I'm torn.

I love New Orleans. I want to throw myself into life here completely, put down my anchor, and be a part of this unique and rebuilding city. I love the music, I love the feel, I love the people. I love the community. And I love First Grace--it's an incredible church community that is really based on love. I adore the residents at Hagar's House and have gotten back to where I look forward to coming to work.

But.

There is a mountain-shaped hole in my heart, a hole that longs for forests and waterfalls and mossy rocks. There is an ache where my family lives that I can't replace here. There is a surety and certainty in the love of Konnoak, my home church, that I miss. There are so many people I miss every day--friends and church family I just don't see anymore.

New Orleans is carving its place in my heart right next to the Blue Ridge Parkway--PoBoys beside Boone Drug, First Grace beside Konnoak, brass band beside orchestra. And I feel this holding back that I feel like is interrupting life here, this knowledge that I could be gone come October 2011.

So many people are transient residents here--tons of young, progressive white kids come down with AmeriCorps or Catholic Worker or US-2, do their job, and leave. And yes, that's great and wonderful.

But I don't want to be another fleeting face here. And I honestly don't know if I can leave.

Probably the longest "I don't know" you've read in awhile. Sorry for the rambling...I'm still trying to sort it out.

If any US-2s or Mission Interns (or anyone else, really,) has any similar thoughts, I'd love to hear them.

I don't think you're ready for this jelly

I picked a really good week to give you an honest play by play. ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE READY???

Wednesday, 8am: Headed over to Hagar's for my morning shift. A pretty quiet morning--most residents were gone, so there wasn't much happening in the house. Still some outside/garden time with the kids who were here--we are loving this beautiful weather!

1pm: Got off my shift, so I headed home. I did all kinds of things I was supposed to (like LAUNDRY! Woo!)

5:00pm: Headed back to Hagar's for a capacity building meeting. Capacity building meetings are a one on one meeting with a resident partner to help hook her up with resources and check on how things are going for her in the house. We had a wonderful meeting, and I left feeling great.

6:15pm: Got in my Miraculously Revived Honda (and by "Miraculously Revived" I mean "Paid-Way-Too-Much-To-Fix") and drove to the Westbank for rehearsal for my Easter gig. Sightread almost perfectly and felt like a real trumpet player. :)

9:30pm: Tried and failed to get Chick-fil-et. It's been months. There's no Chick-fil-et on the east bank. I am going into Pickle Bread Withdrawls. Settled for Taco Bell. Came back, chatted with people for awhile.

12:00amish: Bed, but didn't fall asleep for another hour.

3:00am: In a shallow part of my brain, I hear this EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE shrieking sound. I think, the alarm has gone off at Hagar's House! I didn't realize I could hear it at the church! I'm glad I'm not on call.

Since my room is right next to the common room, I can hear when people come in or out. Hearing voices in the room finally stirred me to awakeness, only to realize, wait...this is OUR alarm.

I opened the door to the common room to an ear-spliting alarm. Eric and Jennie were already in there. The whole room was full of horrible-smelling smoke. My first words were--actually, let's not share my first words. They were not missionary words, let's say that.

Me: What's going on?

Jennie: Someone left something on the stove. Angela just ran out for a Hagar's House emergency.

Eric: Someone has to go down and talk to the fire department.

Me: Um...what? (As you can see, just-woke-up Amanda is not winning any comprehension awards.)

So we went through the church opening windows and running fans, trying to get the smoke out. Eric went down and told the fire department everything was under control. Smoke got EVERYWHERE--in the hallways, in my room, everywhere. Jacinto made the alarm stop shrieking at us.

Of course, after all this running around, we're all wide awake.

3:45am: Angela back from Hagar's--a resident headed for the hospital in an ambulance, but was getting taken care of. We decide to at least attempt some sleep--Angela and I were on shift at 8 AM Thursday morning.

My room was still full of smoke, but at least it didn't stink as bad. I burned some incense to get rid of the smell. (For the record, if you can't find your incense holder, shoving the stick in a slightly-squishy-apple does the trick.)

Still, the smoke made my eyes burn and I couldn't sleep. I left my window opened and grabbed my blankets and an extra matress and crashed on Jennie's floor. Of course, IN HINDSIGHT, it was useless. (Did you see what I did there? Did you like that foreshadowing???)

4:30am: I was drifting right on the edge of Asleep and Awake where Tinkerbell said Peter Pan would always find her when Mo'Isa, who had also taken refuge in Jennie's room, started barking. I jerked awake and shouted some more non-missionary words.

Mo'Isa was barking at Angela, who was out in the hallway. She'd just recieved a call from Carolyn (who was overnight at Hagar's,) saying that the resident who went to the hospital was discharged and didn't have a bed and needed a ride home. Angela wasn't comfortable wtih driving so late at night when she was so sleepy, so I volunteered to go. And since I was wide awake, I figured it would be easier for me to just stay up and go to my Hagar's shift, Angela could sleep until like ten, and then I could go crash. PLAN.

5:15am: Drove to Metairie to pick up the resident. She was fine, yay! She seemed tired but OK and much less scared. We got her back home, and I proceeded to go to McDonalds.

6:00am: Sat out in the courtyard with my breakfast, journaling, thinking, you know, dawn is a great time to be ENDING the day. This is way easier than waking up at 7.

7:00am:  Went into Hagar's house early so Carolyn could go get some sleep (she'd had a crazy night too! And I'm the freakish night owl so it worked out.)

8:00am: Wondered if it was at all possible for me to make it until 10. Went down to play with the kids, which woke me up. They were screaming and carrying on, but in a fun way, not in a "I'm-getting-my-tubes-tied-tomorrow-to-avoid-this" way.

10:00am: Angela came to the house. I went home and slept the sleep of the dead.

4:00pm: Woke up to go to music rehearsal for Good Friday. Was extraordinarly cranky. Went and got Mexican food. Felt better.

6:00pm: Back at Hagar's! A really nice evening--the kids dyed Easter eggs, then we had knitting in the living room after that.

So I'm here now for the overnight--everyone is asleep (or at least in their rooms with the lights off.) The Green Futon of Sleep is calling to me, so I'm going to answer. I just wanted to post this before my stories go ridiculously longer. Good night, all!