Monday morning (Marathon Meeting Mondays, remember?) I was sitting in devotion when the reality of my life struck me.
Oh my God. I live in New Orleans. I'm sitting in a group of incredible people I completely love. I live in a church and work at the most fantastically dynamic home I've ever been in. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?
I've gotten a lot of questions about what I want to do after I finish this. I can answer this with total honesty: I don't know.
Life in community is so beautiful, I don't know if I can leave it. There is an undercurrent of "truth" that once you get a little older, it's time to settle down, get an apartment/house, get a real job, and move on.
But that isn't the only way we can live. Sure, it's the dominant narrative in our country right now, but that doesn't make it right. It's not really natural to live so isolated--in an apartment or house with only kids and a partner. There are options.
And you know what? It's not really hard. Some things about it suck (the shower is the first thing that leaps to mind,) but the benefits far outweigh the annoyance. So as far as I can tell right now--I want to live in some sort of true community, if it's possible.
The other parts: where do I want to go, where do I want to live? Well...I'm torn.
I love New Orleans. I want to throw myself into life here completely, put down my anchor, and be a part of this unique and rebuilding city. I love the music, I love the feel, I love the people. I love the community. And I love First Grace--it's an incredible church community that is really based on love. I adore the residents at Hagar's House and have gotten back to where I look forward to coming to work.
But.
There is a mountain-shaped hole in my heart, a hole that longs for forests and waterfalls and mossy rocks. There is an ache where my family lives that I can't replace here. There is a surety and certainty in the love of Konnoak, my home church, that I miss. There are so many people I miss every day--friends and church family I just don't see anymore.
New Orleans is carving its place in my heart right next to the Blue Ridge Parkway--PoBoys beside Boone Drug, First Grace beside Konnoak, brass band beside orchestra. And I feel this holding back that I feel like is interrupting life here, this knowledge that I could be gone come October 2011.
So many people are transient residents here--tons of young, progressive white kids come down with AmeriCorps or Catholic Worker or US-2, do their job, and leave. And yes, that's great and wonderful.
But I don't want to be another fleeting face here. And I honestly don't know if I can leave.
Probably the longest "I don't know" you've read in awhile. Sorry for the rambling...I'm still trying to sort it out.
If any US-2s or Mission Interns (or anyone else, really,) has any similar thoughts, I'd love to hear them.
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I'm a year from moving back to the US, and I'm already having moments of realizations that usually go something like, "I'm going to miss this so much..."
ReplyDeleteSeriously? A YEAR early? I've only been here 6 months...
Then I realize staying isn't an option: I've committed to an additional 18months of serving in the US.
so I think about what I might do to return here shortly thereafter.
Then I realize I shouldn't make plans for 2+ years from now... who knows where I'll end up. So I should trust God and let be what will be. Then two days later this whole thought process starts over for me again.
(sorry this comment is nearly as long as your post! You asked for feedback from MIs, though...)
I have a solution for the interim: book. your. ticket. :)
I think that it's really difficult to want to stay somewhere that you'd signed up to be for a couple years, but also very normal. Why make all these friends and relations if you're just going to leave them? I also really like what you said about not wanting to be a "fleeting face." I feel like, especially in a place like New Orleans, they must get a lot of those.
ReplyDeleteThis is Marie fyi...I know that I'm completely late on this one...but i think that you should bide your time and see where God and life leads you miss Amanda. Because you really don't know what will come next. Just trust. The right thing will come along. I never planned on staying in DC after my internship, but now i'm signed on for 2 more years at least. And everyday the plan changes. Just wait and trust. It's all you can do. Don't waste your time now wandering where next. enjoy now.
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